Honestly, I had every intention on writing a post about a book I had just finished and I was browsing Facebook and I saw this post that was posted and I read it and wanted to cry, hug someone and clap my hands at the same time. Here’s the article: I’m Not a Mother, but I Know Love.
“When you’re a 30-something-year-old woman with no children, everyone has an opinion about it—and they love to tell you what it is. But perhaps the worst thing people like to say to me is, “You won’t know true love until you become a mother”.
I read this article about ten times and felt the need to talk about it. I’ve been very open with my own infertility struggles and posts like this just speak to me. I’m not a mother. That sentence right there is enough to make me pause for a moment and take a deep breath and try to not cry. I’m turning 35 this year and believe me, I never thought I’d be this age without a child. My life has become nothing of what I thought it would be and I’m trying to make the best of it and realize that this has happened to me for a reason. Do I understand it? NO! Do I wish I could change it? Obviously.
The post about not knowing love because I’m not a mother was so much that I wanted to say all in one post. I’m not a mother, but is it fair for others to say that I won’t ever know what love is? Believe it or not, it’s been said to me before. The things that people feel that they can say to me (us) is unbelievable. I’ve been told that I’m going to grow up alone, that I should be happy I don’t have kids since I enjoy a more “extravagant” lifestyle, that I should be happy that I have the chance to travel. Why don’t you adopt? Why haven’t you tried this procedure or visited that Dr? So much has been said to me that I could spend hours talking about. You get the point though.
I’m allowed to struggle with this issue. My husband can struggle with this issue and offer me (us) advice, but it is no one else’s place to talk about our situation OR to give us advice. I’m seriously shocked at the things that have come out of people’s mouths about us not having children. I know (most) people have good intentions, but when they’re talking to me about something they know nothing about nor have any business offering me advice, it stings a little bit. When is it ok to comment or try to understand someone’s situation that doesn’t involve you? I could comment all day long on people and situations that I see daily, but it’s not my business. Just because I don’t have children, doesn’t mean that it’s ok for you to try to know what I’m going through or pretend that you do.
Just like the author of the post, Cath Witten, I’m an Aunt. Being an Aunt is no where near the bond between a mother and child. I understand that, but the love that I feel and see for those children is unlike any other that I’ve experienced. I’m not a mother, but let me tell you, I’d go to the ends of the earth for those children. I know what love is.
I know what love is when I love someone so much that I take my own pain and push it aside, to make sure that I’m there for you, no matter how much it might hurt me. Being a woman without children can be very hard in certain situations, especially when everyone around you is pregnant or is having children.
Also like the author, I’ve experienced many types of love. Some loves have had such an impact on my life that I feel their love around me daily. Some have left me broken to pieces. I don’t need to be a mother to experience love. I’ve experienced it many times in my life. It seems unfair to guilt a woman into thinking that if she doesn’t have children in her life (whatever the circumstance is) that she isn’t going to experience love.
I might not be a mother, but that doesn’t make me any lesser of a woman. It also doesn’t define who I am. Has it changed me? YES! Probably for both good and bad. However, I take what I’ve been through and am still experiencing and I move forward. I might not have my own children, but I have experienced such deep love that I feel confident in knowing that I won’t be alone in my life, like some have told me.
The one thing that I ask everyone out there is to stop for just a moment and think about what you’re saying to someone. Having an honest conversation is one thing (because I know you’re curious for good reasons) but remember that you don’t know someones situation. Before you speak and offer advice or suggestions, stop and think about what you’re saying. You never know when you’re hurting someone by your words and assumptions.
I’m so sorry you have had people actually say those things to you. 🙁 People like to judge from the outside, but if they ever got a glimpse of the inside they might change their tune or just keep their mouth shut… XO!
I talk about this subject to educate others because of the experiences I’ve had to go through and still deal with!! You’d be shocked at the comments I’ve received. HA! Thank you for always commenting and supporting me!!
I am 33 without children, because the husband and I made that choice and it has always been that way. I have heard it all, and I love that people assume I am a sad lonely human being because I don’t have kids. I adore kids especially if they belong to someone that I love. The hubby and I are happy, why do people make it their issue? I don’t question their choices, nor do I assume they are unhappy/happy just because they live a certain way.
I LOVE that you commented because it’s not that everyone out there has issues (fertility, etc) BUT not everyone wants to have children. Does that make you any less happier than those who do? NO WAY! People make it their issues because they feel the need to constantly be involved in other people’s lives and think that they understand from looking on the outside. They make assumptions and those assumptions are most of the time 100% wrong. I’m glad that you and your husband are happy!
My favorite comment ever was a lady who is ultra ultra religious asked me how old I was and if I had kids, I said no we don’t want any. She said “then why bother having sex”, I almost peed my pants from laughter and then being the nice southern girl I am I just said “good point” and left heheheh
I’m going to turn 36 in a couple weeks and I completely understand where you are coming from. I would love to have had kids (and I thought I would by now) but my circumstances have not allowed it. I truly don’t understand why people need to comment on something as personal as having children or not. If someone doesn’t have kids either 1. They have opted to remain childree or 2. They can’t have kids for one reason or another and it’s a difficult subject. Neither of those require any input from other people. I also hate that whole “you can’t understand love”. Yes, I can. “True Love” is not exclusive to children you give birth to. Love is bigger and deeper. I’d say if you think giving birth to a child is a requirement to experiencing “true love”, then you don’t understand love one damn little bit.
Love certainly is bigger and deeper and I think it’s sad that women are shamed and made to feel that we are lesser in some way because we haven’t experienced having children. Love is so much bigger and deeper.
Love this, Christine!!
A long time ago, I wrote a post about not being a mom, and how moms often made me feel isolated because of it. One of my husband’s coworkers, who is a dad, told me later he loved reading it, because he was mostly familiar with the other side, and gave me some insight that I hadn’t put a whole lot of thought into: parents, especially new ones, feel suddenly isolated, insecure, and inadequate. Since then, whenever I hear someone say something stupid like “you won’t know love until you have children,” I remember that person is most likely saying that from a place of insecurity. When people hold events and fun get-togethers and only moms are invited, I remember they’re doing it because they feel like they need to. I also consider hosting a childless people only event just to see what happens. 😉
Loved your comment 🙂
It’s interesting to always hear the other side of the story! I’ve been isolated from baby showers and what not and it’s frustrating. Just because I’m not a mother and it might not be in my cards, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to celebrate with you and be there for you. So not inviting someone to parties and what not, I just don’t get! I always tell myself that they’re trying to do it with good intentions, but I wish they knew what it felt like! PS The party with childless people would be very, very interesting ha!
This post was beautifully written, Christine! I don’t suffer from infertility, but many of my close friends do, and I’ve seen first hand how devastating it can be. Some people truly have no filter. Last year I suffered two back to back miscarriages, and not even a month later I was talking to my husbands great aunt and she said “Aubrey’s going to be two soon, I guess you guys aren’t in any rush to have another.” She obviously didn’t know about my recent losses, but that’s the thing, you never know what someone is struggling with. Love is most certainly different with kids, but as someone who waited until she was 28 until having her first, I can tell you my heart definitely knew love before I had her. So that’s a non-sense statement. Keep your head up!! I’m always here to talk if you need <3
I’m so sorry about your loss. I know how difficult and painful that had to be on you and your family and I know a lot of people who have miscarriages, who suffer in silence. People say the most ridiculous things without even thinking about what they’re saying. The most important thing is that, I hope with posts like this and what not, that we’re helping to educate people about this issue. While these posts are difficult for me to write, in some ways it’s so therapeutic and it makes me feel like I’m using my story, and hopefully helping and making a difference for someone out there! Thanks for you support!! That means so much to me!
This is everything, loved it.
Thank you, Whitney! I’m getting more and more comfortable speaking about my issues. It’s not easy, but I never want someone to feel like it’s only them going through it and I want to be able to educate people who might not even realize how much of a problem saying something so silly is to others. Also, thanks for sharing my post!! That means the world to me!
I love this post so much! Thank you! I have found that if you are a woman living your life, then someone always has something to say about it no matter what it is. My husband and I don’t have children, and that’s by choice. I always get off the subject as quickly as possible any time it’s brought up by other people. The last time someone asked me if I had kids, I just gave her a “no” and left it at that. That lady was so confused, like there had to be more to the story! Some life decisions shouldn’t be up for discussion. We all know what love is because we’re human. To say otherwise is insanity.