Diet.  The word, just typing it, makes me want to pull my hair out and scream.  Diets are not a word I like to use that often, BUT after the doctor appointments I have been having lately. it’s a word I felt like I needed to re-evaluate. Reality bites sometimes, but hey, that’s life and we have to push forward! Today I’m talking about my battle with weight loss and a few other issues.  Talking about all of this isn’t easy, but I know that I have support behind me and I hope that maybe, if you are reading this and struggling, you’ll find comfort in knowing you aren’t alone!

 

Here’s a little back story on me:

 

 That’s me! The Princess on the right! This was taken in 2014.

 

 

1.  I’ve pretty much always been considered “plus size” since I can remember.  I was skinny for some of my childhood, but then came teenage years and well, those went out the door.  Also, “plus size” is another word I hate.  More on that later!

 

 

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This is considered “plus size fashion”… This looks more like Healthy to me!

 

2. I have PCOS.  It’s an endocrine system disorder that many, many women are diagnosed with (I read that probably at least 5 million women have it, but not all have been diagnosed!).  PCOS has some very horrible side effects including: Acne, Excessive Hair Growth, Weight Gain, Depression, Infertility, Missed Periods (or none at all). Again, more on this later!

3. My family genetics are not so pretty! These are a few of the issues I have on both sides of my family!

1. Diabetes

2. Cancer

3. Obesity

4. Thyroid Issues

5. Reproductive Issues

6. Cholesterol Issues

 

My weight has always been an issue in my life.  I remember struggling to find clothes that would fit me in stores when I was younger and hating myself and the way I looked. Then it’s like you just push those feelings aside and that embarrassment is hidden.  At least for me. You just try to be the nice, funny girl, because you know that more than likely, no boy is going to want to date a girl “like you.” Yeah, that’s what I used to tell myself!  I never felt confident in who I was because of my weight struggles.  Looking back on it now, I am pretty sad to think that I have spent so much of my life feeling that I was “less” because of this.

Then came my 30s.  I was married and probably a lot more confident in myself.  I was still dealing with weight issues, BUT I was eating healthier, exercising (a decent amount I thought) and I ready to have children. Another issue I have- I also have Endometriosis, another reproductive disorder.  So I knew that I was possibly going to have some issues with pregnancy because of that.  I had numerous surgeries to remove cysts, etc growing up, so I felt like it was time I talked to my Dr about why it wasn’t happening “naturally.” I visited a regular OB/GYN and she did some testing and that’s when the diagnosis of PCOS came into play.

 

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Infertility, Depression, Diets, Medications.  This was my life.

Those four words described my life four years ago. I was horribly depressed, I was on so many different hormone medications and other prescriptions, going to Dr’s appointments to get blood work and ultra sounds done numerous times a week, Drs telling me I couldn’t get pregnant because of my weight, I was obsessive about losing weight and not in a healthy way. I did end up losing about 35-40 pounds, but the depression from not getting pregnant just brought it all back.  I was in my early 30’s wanting children and majorly struggling with so many things, and everyone else around me seemed to be having children left and right.  I was a mess and that was my breaking point.  I lost my shit.  I spent so much time trying to lose weight, but I didn’t do it the right way or at the right time.  I was trying to get healthy, but I was so mentally unhealthy, that it was impossible for me at the time to keep losing.  So I stopped.

Fast forward to now.  I’m 34.  I still don’t have children and I’m still struggling with my weight.  Having PCOS drastically changed my life. I wish I would have known then, what I know now.  I feel like there was so much more I could have done when I was younger, that would have given me a different ending.  But, the reality is, I can’t change that part of my life.  Having PCOS has made it that much more difficult for me to lose and keep the weight off.  I’m not perfect when it comes to my weight, but I feel like, for the first time since I was going through all of my infertility issues, I actually AM mentally strong enough to work on it more.  I’ve slowly, not completely, tried to really come to terms with the whole Infertility struggle.  I don’t feel like I have all of the same pressures I was putting on myself, like I did before.  I’ve been put on “diets” and weight-loss medications that haven’t worked and I’m realizing that I need to do this myself.  I need to work on this part of me.

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I’m not a fan of the word dieting because I feel like it’s really more of a life style change.  Mentally and Physically.  Do I have a lot of issues that are making it that much more difficult for me? YES! It just means I have to work that much harder at it. So here’s what I’m working on:

1. Myself. I’m trying to not beat myself up over the parts of my life I can’t change.  I’m trying to be happier and healthy mentally and also, working on getting myself physically healthier.

2. My diet.  I say diet in just talking about the foods I’m eating.  I don’t consider myself on a diet.  I’m getting rid of all of those extra treats, no more high-cal coffee from Starbucks and sadly, Sprinkles and I are going to have to break up for a while.  I love food, I love the art of going to a nice restaurant and trying new foods.  When trying to lose weight-this is a battle! I’m trying Weight Watchers, per my Dr suggestion and making myself drink the water I need daily, instead of Soda! Saying goodbye to Coke is very difficult, ha.

3. I’m exercising.  I work at home.  I sit at a desk and I type on a computer and edit photos and videos.  So I tend to do a lot of sitting around most days.  My husband and I both got Fitbit’s, so we can actually see how many steps we are taking a day.  Just to keep us checked in with how many steps we actually are taking.  I’ve got a whole room of exercise equipment downstairs-I just need to use it.

4. I’m giving myself a break.  I’m not going to beat myself up and put the pressure on me that I once did.  I found out that is NOT the way to go about this situation.  Instead,  I’m taking it one day at a time.

5. I’ve given myself a goal and my Dr has given me a goal.  We probably don’t see eye to eye on that weight loss goal number, but for me, I’d like to just feel better and not focus on numbers right now.  I’d like my clothes to fit a little bit better and I’d like to not be out of breath within five minutes of being on a treadmill.  The goals I’m setting up for myself are making myself healthy and happy.

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A lot of women, like me, silently battle PCOS, Weight Struggles and Infertility.  I’m here to tell you that being silent just makes it that much more difficult for you to deal with.  I kept it in and didn’t go about my issues the right way.   I hope you’ll follow along or maybe even find inspiration with my story to help yourself.  I am going to open up more about my Infertility story.  I just don’t want that to be my main focus for everything.  Part of dealing with Infertility, is you beat yourself up because you blame YOU for everything that happens and it’s a vicious cycle.  I will tell my story and know that I haven’t given up on having children just yet.  It might be crazy, but I still have that hope.  I have to…

Are you struggling with any of the issues I talked about today?  I’d love to hear your story! Would you be interested in me doing some Vlogging about my experience?  Let me know in the comments below!  A big thanks to my friends and family who have pushed me to open up and talk about my experiences.  I’ve been inspired by others lately and I felt like it might finally be time to share my story.  I don’t want to be silent anymore.