Today’s post isn’t a fun one for me to write, but I think it’s important to not only open up about the amazing parts of my life, but also the ones that aren’t so fun. Why? Because it’s important for you to understand that I’m a real person. I go through difficult times and not every day is an Instagram worthy fairytale happening over here.
If there is one part of me and my story that I wish I could just forget about, it would be my infertility story, but unfortunately that’s just not possible. There are long periods of time where I think I’ve finally figured out how to “deal” with it, but then there are those moments that put me in my place and remind me that those feelings aren’t going anywhere. That was this past weekend.
I often find myself not wanting to write about this, not only because it’s hard, but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. However, this post doesn’t come from a place of judgment and anger. This comes from me wanting to have a conversation about a real issue that a lot of women/couples face everyday and it’s something very personal to me.
“She Was Brave And Strong And Broken All At Once”
When you go through Infertility, each moment is different. When I first realized that we were going to have issues, I was confused. I always knew that I had issues, but no one ever told me about problems I could face in the future when I did want to have children. I was mad. I had friends who got pregnant the first time trying. I had family members having children left and right. Yet, I was over here going to Dr’s who costed us a fortune. Who did medical tests on me over and over again. I felt like a pin cushion who wasn’t supposed to have any emotions. I needed to be a robot and just handle it. I was told that it was my fault, that If I could have just done this or that, maybe I wouldn’t be going through this. We wasted money. We wasted time. We got nowhere. In my head I kept thinking that this wasn’t my reality because surely getting pregnant happens so easily?!? I had no idea what I was in for…
I’ve apologized to my husband countless times because if it wasn’t for me, he’d probably be experiencing the same things his brothers are now. He’d be looking at pictures of his children and he’d be able to talk about his family. This is the part that breaks my heart. To not be able to experience such a moment with someone and to stay with them willingly, speaks volumes to the person that my husband is. He’s never blamed me. He’s never been mad at me or complained when I cried daily because the medicine made me nuts or the tests came back negative time and time again. He understood when the time came that I said I couldn’t do it anymore. A lot of the time people feel sorry for the woman going through infertility, but the husbands go through their own set of feelings. It’s a lot.
I’ve gotten angry at myself because I can’t control this situation. I’ve had people tell me the worst things when they think they’re being helpful and understanding and I’ve sucked it up and just shrugged it off because I realize that they don’t understand what they’re saying. Seriously, you’d be shocked at the stories I could tell you about what people have said to me. Family included.
So if you are dealing with infertility, know that I feel for you. This is the most difficult situation I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. It is nothing I’d wish on even my worst enemy. Know that the pain you feel will probably never go away, it just changes. You need to know that it’s ok to cry and to be upset and angry. Keeping it inside does absolutely nothing for you at all. Trust me on this one. You need to be ok with asking for help.
I understand that social media can be horrible for you and that seeing pictures and birth announcements can be extremely difficult to handle. I know what its like to not be able to pick out another baby gift this time around and to not be able to go to yet another baby shower. Sometimes you can’t physically do it and it’s ok!
I know what it feels like when you feel so heartbroken, that you think you won’t ever recover from the excruciating amount of pain you’re experiencing. I know how it feels when people tell you how sorry they feel for you.
The thing about infertility is that each person’s story is different. What I went through (or still am) is so different from others that I know. I just feel like it’s my job to bring up the conversation for those that don’t feel strong enough to share their own. Consider this my virtual hug to you if you’re feeling like you have no one to talk about this with.
I get that not everyone reading this post will understand what I’m talking about. A lot of you might know someone who’s experienced infertility and maybe at the time, you didn’t know what to do or say to help them and be there for them. I hope that reading a post like this, will help you understand a little bit of what they go through. Maybe it will help you get to know me better.
I don’t think this will be the last I speak of my infertility story because honestly, how could it be? It’s not something I’ve made peace with yet. I’m learning the power of being open to sharing my story and allowing myself to be a voice for others who aren’t quite ready to share their own.
YESSSS to this!! Girl, I’m right there with you. We are 5 years into our infertility journey and it’s so heartbreaking. 🙁 My husband grieves in his own strong & silent way but I know how badly it’s hurting his heart too. Just last night, out of the blue, he said, “What do you think of (this first / middle name)?” I looked at him peculiarly and said, “It’s nice. I like it. Why?” and he simply said, “Well, if we ever do have a child, and it’s a boy, I’d like to name him that.” I nearly cried. I’ve pretty much given up but my husband is still holding on to hope.
I think that the men actually don’t get enough emotional support because they’re going through this just as much as we are. All the attention seems to focus on us and it’s important to realize that they struggle as well as taking care of us!
Thank you for sharing this. While I’ve never personally experienced infertility I know many people that have struggled with it. Since I haven’t personally dealt with it I appreciate learning about your struggles and some of the insensitivity that surrounds. I can use that to analyze and change my personal behavior and be more mindful of all those facing infertility issues. Thank you for being so honest about your journey.
Thank you for such a sweet comment! Personal posts like this aren’t easy, but I just hope that someone can learn from them!
I am sorry you are going through this. I wish I had magical words, but I don’t, so I’ll just virtually hug you right back. There are a lot of things that I don’t understand since my hubby and I haven’t even started trying for kids yet, but I know that there are so many people who long for encouragement about this subject!
Thank you! As long as my story helps even one person I’m ok with sharing my story!
Wow. Thank you for sharing this. I am not currently trying to get pregnant so I won’t say that I understand. Just know that you have a lot of people behind you. I know it’s hard to share the tough stuff, but I hope it brings you some solace or connects you with those women (and men!) who understand. Sending you lots of love.
Aww thank you!
I can relate to absolutely EVERYTHING you have mentioned Christine! And while I’m SO incredibly sorry that you have to go through this, at the same time I’m proud of you for opening up and sharing how you feel with us. It’s never easy, but if this helps one person out there, you have done your job.
I send you all my love, peace, comfort and many hugs your way. I hope one day we can meet in person! From the short amount of time I’ve gotten to know you, I know we could just be best friends — we are so alike. I’m always here if you need anyone to talk to. And I encourage you to continue sharing your journey, because you are right, every single story is different and you never know who you may help along the way.
xo, Lily
Beauty With Lily
I hope that by just being honest and admitting that it’s not easy and it’s probably not going to get easier anytime soon, that maybe someone out there will understand that they aren’t going through this alone. That someone out there totally understands the pain they’re feeling because I so get it! I think having a platform like this allows me to speak and help others!! Thank you for your kind words and support!!
I pray that God will give you peace and blessings. Blessings in whatever form he chooses for you. I pray that he will use you, your life and your story to help and bless others as well as you and your husband.
Thank you!
I wish to virtual hug you right back! I’ve only had one MC inbetween births and that was rough enough to give me a glimpse of the struggle some people have to go through. I wish it didn’t have to be this way it’s heartbreaking to know that some of the people who would make the best parents haven’t gotten a chance yet. I say yet, because I maintain hope and faith that no matter what Dr’s say, no matter what your body has said in the past, each day is a new day with new chances for God to do what only He can. God speaks the final word on the matter and I believe He put dreams in people’s hearts for a reason and a season. It’s not your fault. Do not condemn yourself over the past or let others condemning words root in you either. I’m so sorry some people have spoken that way to you. You are perfectly and wonderfully made, a very precious Daughter of the King, He says you are righteous and whole. I am adding you to my dailies and speaking new life, wholeness and hope over your life in every way. Much <3 to you and your spouse.
Thank you so much for that!!
Wow. Thank you for sharing this. Sending you so much love!
Thank you!
“..allowing myself to be a voice for others who aren’t quite ready to share their own.” THIS. You are amazing, friend.
Thank you. It’s not an easy thing to talk about, but I feel like it’s so important to talk about it for others who aren’t ready yet. I need to be that voice for them!
Sending u virtual hugs right now. You know that I too have this same struggle. And no matter how long I’ve been dealing with it, or how many more years I out under my belt, it never seems to get any easier, But thank goodness for other women such as yourself who share their own personal struggle with infertility and help others to find peace and comfort. Love ya lady!!!
I totally know that you understand everything I’m saying in this post. Thank you for always being a source of support for me. Some days are easier than others, but it’s nice knowing that I can always turn to you for help!!
Thank you for this, sweet friend. Some of us really do suffer in silence. Let’s talk soon 🙂
It took me a long time to come to terms with what I was dealing with and I remember being so scared to talk to anyone I knew about what was going on with me. I wasn’t ready to admit what was happening and I felt so lost. THIS is why I put my story out there because I know that feeling of not knowing what to do and not knowing how to communicate what I was feeling. I’ll be in touch, love!
I didn’t realize that you have been through infertility, and are going through this. It’s a brave post, and I thank you for sharing your very personal struggle. Sending love and light your way! <3
Thank you for that!! I’ve shared a couple of posts on here, but it’s been a while since I’ve opened up and talked about it again.